Starfinder:Adventure Log/2018-12-14

This was the 2018 Christmas special.

Song

wendy the red nosed prostitute
had a really shiny nose
and if you ever saw her
she would be snorting blow

all of the other prostitutes
used to let her get raped
they never helped poor wendy
and distributed her sex tape!

then one foggy winterbloom
dr blopp came and paid
wendy with your nose so bright
won't you take my tentacle tonight

then wendy slurped his genitals
as dr blopp shouted out with glee
wendy the red nosed prostitute
is gonna have a dr blopp baby!

Adventure

• Twas the night before Winterbloom...

  Greench hates it & lives on the moon above

  Skittermander sadness and treason !

• It is Winterbloom Eve

  • Kaylo are fish people on the planet that celebrate it

• Greench has a ship and a satillite monitoring the planet ...

• We gunna replace the presents with bombs

• Dr Blopp is self-felating??

• Scent-of-Claws is real fuckin creepy

• We start rigging an ice skiff to fly, so we can have an evil sleigh...

  • We want to kill Santa
  • He rides red-nosed whore
  • We try to order Wendy the Red-Nosed whore (thx spoogle)

• Ardy flies the makeshift "sleigh" to the first house after they load us up with bombs

  • We headin' down to the planet Plulax!
  • Ice giant has rings (oh god)
    • SPACE BLIZZARD!
    • I mine an ice rock (ORGASM)
    • We get hit by another ice rock
    • Boss says "GO FASTER" -> I fly straight and level through the storm and we get fucked up

• Approach the Watergate of Plulack, which is a gateway to the underground facilities

  • We should disguise or something cuz the local authorities know we're bad dudes
  • Greench says faster, so Ardy DRIVES HARD RIGHT AT THE Watergate
  • Oh shit oh shit oh shit they see us
  • We distract the spotlight operator with magic
  • We pierce the Watergate

• Someone is trying to scan us

  • We remote hack the scanner and upload a gif.

• Greench spots a solid ice mansion on the scanner

  • I crash the sleigh right into the roof and bust a hole in it & giant chunks of ice fall into the mansion
  • We are on the 2nd floor of the mansion

• Dr Blopp goes to find a doorbell (lol)

  • Someone answers
  • "Wendy the Red-Nosed Prostitute"
  • Gags the child who answered the door so he can sing the song (w/ a rum soaked rag)
  • Punches the child in the face & it goes out like a light

• I scan down a crystal Winterbloom tree w/ orbs and shit

  • Dr. Blopp exaines the tree & says it is formed of Rare Minerals
    • MINE IT MINE IT MINE IT MINE IT
      • I oblierate half the tree and some presents
      • ORGASM
    • I start looting toys
  • Dr. Blopp finds a Kaylo girl-child & throws it out of the house.
  • Scent-of-Claws goes and captures that child in his sack too.

• Nougat Fisheez are in the stockings near the tree ...

  • I MINE THEM
  • Also destroy some other shit but w/e
  • Greench yells at me to stop mining nougats (lol)

• A large fat Kaylo comes down the chimmney

  • Father Winterbloom and Scent-of-Claws compare magic sacks
  • Greench sicks his dog on him
  • Ardy lasers the fuck out of him
    • Ardy gets hit with electricity ow
  • Greency then fires acid at Father Wintebloom and MELTS HIM.
  • The outfit shrinks to match Greench's size....

• "I'll take his magic sack. I now have TWO sacks!"

• Greench climbs the chimney and discovers a much nicer sleigh!

• We fly to the next house

  • "Go through the back door"
  • There is no back door, so I blow one open in the back of the "house"
  • Lots of statues of Kaylo with spears & lots of safes
  • The room we're in is locked
  • Oh, it's a bank lol
  • Scent-of-Claws uses Knock on the door and that triggers an alarm

• Statues attack us! They do not approve of mining.

  • These guys like piercing tho
  • We hear a large metallic thing approaching the room we're fighting in (oh no)
  • THE ICE MAN COMMETH
    • Gax had set up a grenade to fall on this thing when it opens the door
  • I MINE THE EVERLIVING FUCK out of the fleeing statues (full attack, double nat twenties w/ a max dmg roll)
    • Iceman: "Cool."
  • Iceman: "I'm going to kick your ices!" - he has a coolant sprayer

• We fuck the iceman up & he starts venting cryogenics and hi suite starts beeping

  • Dr Blopp scans it and determines that it is going to explode
  • Ardy asks what to do, Greench says steal gifts
  • Ardy determines the iceman's suite would be a good gift
    • Asks Scent-of-Claws to help secure the iceman in a magic sack
    • Iceman's legs are sticking out of the sack
      • Ardy drills his legs off
    • We can't get him all the way in & the sack explodes
      • Brunt of the force is directed upwards through the sack's hole
      • It blows the ceiling apart & ice starts falling all over
      • Spare magic sack gets ruined :-(

• We are being chased by the police?

  • We call the Wendy the Red-Nosed Whore order hotline & request 3 Wendyies
  • Three Wendy the Red-Nosed Whores (giant flabby tentacle aliens in skimpy bikinis) fall on the police bikes

• Fade to black as shit goes wild.