Assault on the Grinstar

The Grinstar charging its laser over Kalo-Mahoi

While the Spinach Inquisition was working out an arrangement with AbadarCorp at the Burning Archipeligo, Mr. Happy (styling himself Emperor) announced that the Brethedan moon Kalo-Mahoi would be destroyed by the Grinstar as a show of force. This prompted the united Absalom Pact worlds and the Spinach Inquisition to launch an all-out assault on the Grinstar.

The Spinach Inquisitors were joined by an elite Pact task force and AbadarCorp R&D Engineer Scooter. They came prepared with the Stellar Degenerator Carrying Case and Sarumet.

Prelude

The Spinach Inquisition departed from the Burning Archipelago and made a drift jump to Bretheda. A few minutes after arriving, the ASS Spinach Lover is hailed and directed to one of Liavara's moons to link up with the elite Pact task force.

Arriving in the city of Teletoranus on Arkinin, Liavara's largest moon, the Spinach Inquisition heads to a rather questionable part of town. The meeting point is a seedy bar full of mercenary-looking folks. Volkas tries to be friendly with the barkeep, but ends up pissing him off instead. To avoid being thrown out of the bar, Volkas is forced to engage in a contest of strength with a bizarre giant slug-like alien.

Volkas loses his arm wrestling match. Theo challenges the slug to another match; the barkeep and patrons find the idea hilarious and permit it to happen. Theo, being a tiny ysoki, is not favoured to win against the hulking slug alien, but a well-timed Daze cantrip turns it into an easy win for the Spinach Inquisition. The barkeep, true to his word, permits the group to remain.

As the Spinach Inquisition sits and drinks, Coffin Joe approaches and asks them to come to the back room. The Spinach Inquisition proceeds cautiously, but is relieved to find the elite Pact task force assembled and waiting. Their relief quickly turns into dismay as the Spinach Inquisition determines that none of them know what a moon is. All assembled order a round of buttery nipples.

Back aboard the ship, the Spinach Inquisition locks Scooter in the medical lab for the night and rests up.

Come morning, Junk is excited by a strong smell of feces in the halls. Following the scent, he finds Scooter has shit his brains out all over the medbay and appears to be severely dehydrated. Junk applies the poop-shoot to Scooter and wanders off. Popo arrives shortly after to give Scooter some water and get him back on his feet.

Coffin Joe hails the Spinach Inquisition to inform them that the main Pact battle fleet has engaged the Grinstar. Theo activates the drift engine.

Space Battle & Insertion

The ASS Spinach Lover arrives to an all-out war: the united Pact armada, with hundreds of ships, is slugging it out with a similarly-sized HappyCo defense fleet on the Grinstar's starboard side. The Inquisition even sees Eoxian vessels -- the Iron Rictus is fighting. Some of the larger Pact vessels are firing on the Grinstar itself, but their lasers are ineffective against its shielding.

The Spinach Inquisitors are towards the Grinstar's stern. The elite Pact task force forms up around the ASS Spinach Lover and they approach the Grinstar. HappyCo notices this and their Step-Mothership, a massive destroyer in the form of a mother holding a vacuum cleaner, pulls back from the main battle. It launches fighters that attack the escort group. The ASS Spinach Lover responds with a plasma torpedo that destroys the Stepmother Ship's face.

A HappyCo Transport ship is spotted approaching from port side of the Grinstar. The Spinach Inquisition briefly ponders if it is attempting to dock at the Grinstar and evaluate it as a possible avenue of insertion. The transport changes course as it nears the skirmish between the Stepmother Ship's fighters and the Inquisition's escort group.

Science Officer H4NZ realizes that the transport's new course will take it right into the heart of the Pact armada. A scan reveals weapons of mass destruction aboard. Coffin Joe fires a grappling tether at the transport and slows it considerably, but it quickly deploys HappyBots to begin cutting it free.

The Grinstar's defense grid opens a gap in its shielding, paints a target, and fires a powerful laser that destroys some of the Inquisition's escort ships. They continue to engage with the Stepmother Ship's fighters, but begin to fall behind as wave after wave are deployed.

Thinking quickly, Gunner Volkas targets the Stepmother Ship's vacuum cleaner switch. The Spinach Inquisition has previously observed this to be the mechanism that activates fighter launches. After a few volleys, the mechanism is destroyed and no further fighters are launched. The elite Pact task force gains an upper hand on the fighters and begins mopping them up.

The Grinstar takes another shot at the Inquisition's escort group. As the target painting laser lights up, the ASS Spinach Lover charges into the gap in its shields, leaving Coffin Joe to deal with the transport. Theo is able to take the ship through the Grinstar's outer hull without severely damaging the ship.

Between the hulls, the Spinach Inquisition detects a defensive laser matrix powering up. Volkas and Junk start slamming buttons on the weapon system and turn the ASS Spinach Lover into a disco ball of death. The defense system is disabled, and the ship breaches the inner hull.

The ASS Spinach Lover enters a hanger populated by thousands of HappyBots. They immediately go on full alert and begin firing at the ship. Volkas and Junk use up all remaining plasma torpedos to devastate the hanger. The ship is badly damaged, but manages to put down atop a heap of charred HappyBot corpses.

Scooter takes point and secures the hangar bay for the Spinach Inquisition.

Fight through the Grinstar

The carnage in the hangar has left the air filled with smoke and burned circuits, requiring the Inquisition be life-bubbled when exiting the ship. Scooter is issued a plastic bag to put on his head, which he struggles with. Volkas is still bravely shitting his pants from the poop-shoot accident.

With the hangar secure, the Spinach Inquisition pushes out into the depths of the Grinstar. Lucille realizes what is happening and sounds a general alarm. Locating a directory, the Inquisition is presented with several objectives: HappyBot Fabrication, trash compactor, Re-educational Resort / Prison Pod, Tofinkle Reserve, and the Server Room / Power core.

Junk performs a recon mission on HappyBot Fabrication & Hotswap. Running down the halls and screaming at the top of his lungs, he arrives at a huge tempered glass door. Inside is a 3D printer dropping HappyBots onto a conveyor belt. At the end of the process, a chip is placed onto their head and a HappyCo Smile Faceplate is bolted over it. H4NZ remotely hacks the door control, letting Junk into the room. Junk grabs the nearest large weapon and begins firing indiscriminately, doing terrible damage. Theo follows that up with an Explosive Blast, destroying the manufacturing facility totally.

Lucille acknowledges the destruction and routes the reserve HappyBots towards the Spinach Inquisition. As they approach, the Spinach Inquisition greets them as fellow HappyCo employees and directs them down a hallway towards the "intruders". Most of the HappyBots are fooled and continue searching; some perform a scan and engage in combat. In the course of the struggle, the Teleportato appears to be destroyed and Scooter loses it. He locates an exceptionally large rifle in a nearby crate and struggles to fire it; the Inquisition finishes off the HappyBots before Scooter is able to injure himself.

The Spinach Inquisitors find a platform above a deep chasm. Scooter climbs across a cable to the platform, and then attempts to jump a small gap. He misjudges the distance, forcing Popo to engage her jetpack for a quick save. On the far side of the chasm, Scooter and Popo find crates filled with spare parts; Scooter fashions a pair of bridges, enabling the rest of the Inquisition is able to safely cross. Junk attempts to show off by back-flipping over the chasm and narrowly avoids falling to his death, twice.

The door on the far side of the chasm leads to the Re-Educational Resort and Prison Pod. Inside, the Inquisitors find three chamber: NPCs, Main Characters, and Maximum Security. The screens in the room are advertising something called 'Golari-land'. Inside the NPC chamber are nine individuals. They are unresponsive, in period dress, and have wires running into the base of their skulls.

The Main Characters room is similar, but with two individuals: the White Knight, and Nate the Necromancer. H4NZ and Theo hack the computers and find a directory with thousands of individuals actively using Golariland. On H4NZ's suggetion, the Spinach Inquisition searches the prison for a master terminal that can release these individuals.

Most of the seats in Maximum Security are unused, but labelled with names. Two individuals are currently jacked in: Paul F. Rye, and an brain in a jar. Junk immediately sits down in the chair with his name on it and is imprisoned in Golariland.

The Spinach Inquisition guesses the credentials for Paul F. Rye's profile (PW tofinkle, PIN 1234) and begin interrogating him. Paul claims that HappyCo kidnapped him after his disastrous attempt to betray the Inquisition to the Happy Rangers. He has been punished in Golariland ever since; individuals torture and kill him over and over. Most patrons of Golariland are immune to pain, but Maximum Security prisoners are not. Paul does not know who the other prisoner is.

The Spinach Inquisition begins freeing the Main Characters and NPCs. Unfortunately, they have lost their grip on reality and do not understand that they have left Golariland. The White Knight welcomes us to Hap-salom and asks us to join him on a quest; we instead inform him that Paul F. Rye is an agent of Necromancer Nate. The White Knight beats Paul F. Rye to death and leaves his broken corpse on the floor of the HappyCo Re-education Facility & Prison Pod.

After liberating all of the NPCs, Theo instructs them to join the White Knight on a crusade against "Necromancer Nate's" armoured constructs. Most of the NPCs continue walking in to walls and/or stating that you are new in town & don't have much of a rind yet. Some join the White Knight, and they disappear into the depths of the Grinstar.

Theo makes another attempt at hacking the maximum security computer. H4NZ is skeptical of his methodology, but inverting the hypotenuse of the triangle successfully decrypts the passwords. The profile for the remaining prisoner identifies him as Dr. Itarn Legehirn, Mr. Happy's ULTIMATE NEMESIS. The Spinach Inquisition immediately frees him from the simulation.

Dr. Legehirn emerges from 57 years of Golariland with his mind intact. He is pleased that the Spinach Inquisition is here to murder Mr. Happy and joins the team. The doctor deftly disabled Junk's chair, and the Spinach Inquisition departs the prison pod.

On the way to the Tofinkle Reserve, Dr. Legehirn explains that he was an academic colleague of Mr. Happy, but had a falling out. The pair engaged in intense combat, with Dr. Legehirn utilizing his robotic minions against Mr. Happy's magical unicorn-dust bazookas. After the doctor's defeat, Mr. Happy stole his robotic technology.

Volkas carves an archaic door open with his flame doshko, revealing glass vats filled with frozen tofinkle. At the other end of the room, a computer terminal has a neon flashing sign that says 'Secret Recipe Here'. The doctor states flatly that this is a trap. From ourside of the room, H4NZ remotely accessed the terminal. It explodes, but before it is destroyed, the secret knowledge of tofinkle slams into H4NZ's mind, shattering it.

This substance contains everything in the known universe. Tofinkle ... is beautiful.

— H4-NZ, Grinstar Audio Archives (Salvaged)

Dragging a dazed H4NZ along, the Spinach Inquisition heads to the Server Room & Power Core. Lucille attempts to block our access to the power core, but Dr. Legehirn types tofinkle into a nearby terminal and overrides her control. The way to Mr. Happy and the Stellar Degenerator is clear.

Showdown with Mr. Happy

In the center of the chamber, Mr. Happy had created a strange purple cloud. He stood in the center of it with the Stellar Degenerator and appeared to have been injecting his own energy into the core to expedite its charging. Around the edge of the room is a conveyor belt with a huge number of inactive Mr. Happy bodies.

As the Spinach Inquisition and Doctor Legehirn enter, Mr. Happy sadly reminceses about our time as his favorite employees. He then becomes agitated, promising to disintegrate the Spinach Inquisition, and slams a security door closed, blocking the Inquisition's retreat. Mr. Happy swaps to one of the other bodies, and informs the Inquisition that he has lived on Golarion and it is time for him to forge his empire.

Volkas gets the party started off on the right foot by hurling grenades at the inactive bodies on the conveyor belt. H4NZ hacks Lucille and disables her comm systems to stop her from summoning HappyBot reinforcements. Popo is able to determine that the purple haze is extremely radioactive and should not be entered.

Mr. Happy is able to control several bodies at once, but only one Mr. Happy body has a blue aura. The blue aura appears to be his "primary" body at that moment, and it has a shield that deflects energy weapons. Mr. Happy is able to move his aura to other bodies.

Scooter joins the battle a bit late. He charges Mr. Happy with the teleportato. As Scooter enters the purple haze, he lets out his battle cry and is instantly disintegrated by the radiation. His ashes are obliterated by the high energy before they hit the deck. The teleportato, previously thought destroyed, re-appears amidst the Spinach Inquisition.

The Spinach Inquisition destroys body after body. Doctor Legehirn sabotages the conveyor bringing Mr. Happy bodies into the room, causing many of them to fall into the abyss around the platform. Volkas smashes Lucille's drone body, silencing her.

After experimenting with the purple haze, the Inquisition determines that robots can enter it without suffering any immediate harm. Volkas hands the degenerator containment case to H4NZ' drone, and while the legion of Mr. Happys are otherwise engaged, it darts into the energy cloud. After a few tries, it successfully contains the Stellar Degenerator and brings it to H4NZ.

Mr. Happy immediately disintegrates the drone. Mr. Unseen is nearby and seizes control of the degenerator before any Mr. Happys can grab it. Theo, who had previously made himself invisible, telepathically instructs Mr. Unseen to bring the degenerator to him, and it disappears from sight.

H4NZ surrenders Saurmet's glove to Mr. Unseen, who delivers it to Theo. Theo immediately puts it on and instructs Sarumet to get to work. Theo's hand is painfully compressed as the glove adheres to the Stellar Degenerator and begins emitting green energy. Theo's invisibility cannot hide the positive energy radiating from the degenerator. Mr. Happy dives for Theo and grabs him, but Theo is able to blink behind the Spinach Inquisition's battle order.

As the fight rages on, the Spinach Inquisition is pushed back to the entrance of the power core. This proves advantageous: Popo is able to administer healing to everybody in reach, and the long slog to destroy the Mr. Happys continues on. Volkas, H4NZ, Junk, Popo, and Dr. Legehirn cut through a dozen more Mr. Happy bodies.

Junk becomes aroused by Theo's fist vibrating inside the degenerator core casing. He drops his pants and gives Mr. Happy the ultimate insult, then smacks him in the face with the bronzed dong. This does not do any serious damage, but does successfully distract Mr. Happy from the degenerator core long enough for Saurumet to finish his work.

With suddenness, a burst of hot energy emits from Theo. The Stellar Degenerator, the glove, and Theo's left hand are all gone. Mr. Happy loses his shit completely; the remaining bodies gradually crumble to the ground, and the primary Mr. Happy moves to the center of the power core chamber, screaming incoherently.

Dr. Legehirn advises the Spinach Inquisition that he is going to self-destruct the Grinstar. H4NZ attempts to remotely hack Mr. Happy, but is rebuffed by visions of tofinkle. Theo and Volkas hack and destroy the security doors blocking the exit. Popo grabs the teleportato, and the Spinach Inquisition makes for the ship.

Aftermath

The Spinach Inquisition makes a hasty exit from the power core chamber, not knowing how long until the Grinstar explodes. During the run, Popo has an insight into the secrets of the teleportato: the runes inscribed upon it attune the teleportation magic to the potato, but they could be adjusted to allow another object to teleport with it.

In the halls of the Grinsar, Eoxian soldiers are engaged with HappyBots. Junk takes a pot-shot at one unfortunate Eoxian soldier's kneecap, but missed. Volkas grabs Junk and drags him along.

In the hangar where the ASS Spinach Lover had landed, the Eoxian assault force has established a beachhead. The hangar doors have been opened and a dozen Eoxian ships landed. Outside, the Spinach Inquisition sees the Iron Rictus in a docking maneuver.

Theo, surly from the loss of his hand, tells the group not to warn them of the impending self-destruct. Nobody objects. The Spinach Inquisition and Doctor Legehirn board the ASS Spinach Lover and depart the Grinstar. Junk, having two hands, takes the helm.

Minutes after leaving the bay, the Grinstar detonates; waves of purple energy radiate out, destroying everything in their path. The ship catches the very edge of the first wave, but Junk is able to keep the ship on course and it does minimal damage.

Scanning the area, the Spinach Inquisition can find no trace of the Iron Rictus or the Pact armada. Hundreds of escape pods are broadcasting SOS signals. Local space is filled with frozen corpses, but no large chunks of debris.

The Brethadan moon Kalo-Mahoi is saved, but at a terrible cost for the Pact.

In the weeks following the destruction of the Grinstar, the Spinach Inquisition became infamous across the Pact worlds. Flame wars rage on Spacebook arguing that the Inquisition is a force for good or evil. Bitter meme campaigns are waged on Switter, and #Spinach is briefly a trending spacehashtag.

Popo is able to adjust the teleportato and attune it to the Augury Device. The Inquisitions tell the Augury Device about Scooter, the man who invented the teleportato that would bring it home. Before disappearing from the ASS Spinach Lover, the Augury Device acknowledges Scooter's deeds, naming him "Hero".