Trucs Bout à Bout Incident
Trucs Bout à Bout (ancient human for "Butt Stuff") is a brothel found in The Eye of Absalom station operated by Vivian Carpenter. Mrs. Mary Smalls, a rich old cat lady, moved into this establishment and was murdered.
Visiting the Scene
Mrs. Mary Smalls asked Theo to come to the retirement home she was living in. Theo had previously done work on Mrs. Smalls' Last Will and Testament, mainly to establish pet trust funds for her 38+ cats. The Spinach Inquisition quickly discovered that the "retirement home" was actually a brothel owned by her granddaughter.
When the Inquisition arrived, they were introduced to Vivian Carpenter by the secretary, Melinda. Vivian offered the Inquisition a 25% discount, and brought us to Mrs. Smalls' suite. Vivian's master keycard was unable to open the door, which concerned all parties. H4NZ was able to hack the door. Cats flooded out of the room, revealing a gruesome crime scene within.
Mrs. Mary Smalls had died from choking on a poisoned hotdog, and a large number of seemingly-identical cat corpses were strewn around the room. Bloody paw prints were everywhere. A single living cat remained, and it was eating a hotdog. It dies. Volkas is able to locate another identical cat under Mary's bed.
There are a number of food bowls for the cats, but one sticks out: a gigantic bowl labelled "Biscuit". Mrs. Smalls had mentioned this in her email to Theo; Biscuit had a ravenous appetite and had allegedly attempted to eat some of the other cats. The Spinach Inquisition immediately suspects Biscuit is somehow involved.
Junk decides to keep some of the dead cats as evidence and stores ten in his cheek pouches.
Investigation
Vivian Carpenter summons her security chief, Bombardier Quentin Watson. Quentin takes the hotdog as evidence, and together they observe that the cat corpses are all identical. There is speculation that the cats were manufactured and/or stillborn.
The Spinach Inquisitors found an email from Mrs. Small's boyfriend on her computer:
To my dearest,
Hello tall, dark and handsome. When are you going to come visit me and my precious kitties again? Do you remember when Bogart tried to crawl up your backside? I can't blame him. Also, I thought about what you said about adopting those beautiful little ginger kitties and I've decided to accept. I might have to move after the adoption though, this space is tight enough as is! (That's what he said.)
winky face,
Mary
Quentin Watson takes the remaining living cat with him and asks the Spinach Inquisition to solve this mystery. To facilitate our investigation, Vivian gives the Inquisition an all-access keycard. Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, Junk promptly stole the card.
Back aboard the ship, H4NZ performs further analysis on the poisoned hotdog that Mary Smalls choked to death on. He establishes that the rhino-meat hotdog was laced with Reaper, a deadly poison used for quick and dirty assassinations. This poison is known to be sold on the black market by Absalom's many gangs.
The Inquisition returns to the brothel to question its staff, hoping somebody may have seen unusual activity. A guard is grabbed and Junk clears the restaurant out with some of the dead cats he has been keeping in his cheek pouches, granting some privacy to the interrogation.
As luck would have it, the guard was assigned to clean Mrs. Smalls' room and *did* know some unusual things. Biscuit the "cat" was actually an intelligent (and cute) alien. Mrs. Smalls' murder had also been discovered earlier in the day when the guard went to clean her room. Quentin was alerted to the murder long before the Spinach Inquisition had arrived.
The guard is able to direct the Inquisition towards an individual who had made frequent visits to Mrs. Smalls: Dwayne, a gentleman carrying a briefcase.
Dwayne is still in the brothel and becomes the next target of a Spinach Inquisition interrogation. Dwayne claims to own a cat food store and made regular deliveries. Junk manages to swipe the man's briefcase while he is being questioned and brings it back to the ship.
When the Spinach Inquisition is departing the brothel to analyze the briefcase, they run into a member of FAKE who was present for the filming of the notorious Extreme Survival Deathmatch Supreme arc.
Back aboard the ship, the Spinach Inquisition combines its might to defeat a magical lock on the stolen briefcase. It is immediately determined that it was a Briefcase of Holding, as approximately forty live cats spew forth and spread out across the ship. The next hour is spent trying to corral the feline horde and restore order aboard the ASS Spinach Lover.
The Spinach Inquisition returns to Trucs Bout à Bout and breaks in to Quentin's office. Theo is inclined to believe his old friend over the random guard and objects to this course of action, but is overruled. Inside are three items of note: a caged skittermander, the evidence hotdog Quentin collected earlier, and a dead cat in a drawer. The dead cat was presumably the alive-cat Quentin had removed from Mrs. Smalls room earlier.
The skittermander is presumed to be Biscuit and is taken into Inquisition custody.
Matters take a turn for the worse when a knife is thrown at Gowena. Quentin, the brothel guards, and some additional forces had noticed the intrusion and engaged the Spinach Inquisitors. Quentin demands the return of the stolen cats. The Inquisitors agree to this demand, not knowing what to do with forty cats themselves. Junk, true to form, terminates otherwise-successful negotiations by shooting somebody in the face.
A general mêlée breaks out. The Inquisitors hold their own against the brothel security guards and a hit-man. Theo feels betrayed by Quentin and demands an explanation over the gunfire; Quentin explains that a gang has his daughter Liza and is forcing him to cooperate. Promising to help him, Quentin flips sides and tells the assassin to leave immediately. The assassin refuses, and is promptly obliterated by Quentein's Azmiuth Artillery Laser.
After the fight, the Spinach Inquisition learns about the plot: Quentin joined up with the Blooduster Gang after the ship he served about was seized by station authorities. The gang leader, Marko the Rateghajga, learned about Mary Smalls' extensive web of pet trust funds. J Rad, the actual leader of the Blooduster gang, is one of Mrs. Smalls' grandchildren. He believed that he would be given hundreds of thousands of credits if he had custody of the cats at the time of her death, although Quentin is not aware of the details.
The Spinach Inquisition departs the brothel prepared to open a can of creamed spinach whoop-ass on some gangbangers. They make a brief stop back on the ship, discovering that Lucille had been remotely installed aboard the ship's computer and will serve in Tierno's place as the team's HappyCo handler.
A Can of Creamed Spinach Whoop-Ass
The Spinach Inquisitors arrive at a Blooduster club with a known black market retail outlet outside. The Inquisitors decide to do some black market shopping: Gowena purchases illicit substances, Junk gets a five-finger discount on medicines and a healing triangle, and Volkas purchases a gigantic shock stick suited to his large Vesk frame.
While the other Inquisitors are concluding their business, Junk cobbles together a dancing robot.
Entering the club proper, the guards notice Quentin and immediately get Markos. He demands to know why Quentin has shown up here with an unknown group of people. Theo explains that he is here on behalf of the Absalom probate courts and needs to read J-Rad his grandmother's will, and that Quentin is here to facilitate getting Mary Smalls' property out of the brothel. The guards & Markos buy this bullshit and go off to find J-Rad.
Gowena speaks with Markos while J-Rad is being located. She finds out that Markos thinks his boss is kind of an asshole. Promising to aid in an impromptu promotion, she flips Markos to the side of the Spianch Inquisition.
Junk visits the bar, orders a drink, and then refuses to pay the Bartender Bot the two credits he owes. The bartender bot becomes agitated and attempts to fight with Junk, but Markos swoops in and pays the tab off before any serious damage is done.
A guard returns and informs the Spinach Inquisitors that J-Rad is ready to see them. Unfortunately, Dwayne is sitting with J-Rad and recognizes Junk as soon as the Inquisition approaches. He alerts J-Rad to the ruse. In a gradual and drawn out manner, combat begins.
J-Rad, a powerful magic user, fails to cast his first spell. The Inquisition is left unaware that J-Rad and the Bloodusters are attempting to engage them. After a few more turns of incompetence, the Bloodusters finally manage to strike an opening blow. J-Rad and many of his gangbangers are quickly dispatched by the combined might of the Spinach Inquisition, Quentin, and Markos.
Dwayne attempts to ride out the battle by retreating to a bathroom, but Junk peruses him. Realizing how hopeless the situation is, Dwayne offers his surrender and tells the Inquisition what he knows of the plot: J-Rad had a plan to get his grandmother's cats to a pet care facility, Cat Paradise, and somehow embezzle all of the money set aside for their care. He is unable to explain how exactly J-Rad had hoped to get access to the funds.
What happened next is best explained by Junk:
After being attacked for stealing Dwayne The Big’s briefcase by J-Rad, I decided to torture Dwayne, for fun. Theo, unaware or unconcerned, left me to do my business. Utilizing my instruments of violence, I fired off two smoking rounds into Dwayne’s kneecaps. The smell of burnt flesh began to sear the groups’ nostrils. Volkas, disgusted by Junk’s actions, left the room in disgust. Dwayne begged and pleaded for Junk to stop. He confessed everything he knew about the old hag and J-Rad’s plan to steal her prized dogs. Theo had decided the only humane thing to do was to leave him with me.
Interested in seeing just how BIG Dwayne was, I dug my sharp, disease-ridden claws into Dwayne’s Junk and pulled. With a rip and a tear, Dwayne’s phallus had snapped clean off, like pulling on two ends of a rubberband. Dwayne clutched the remains of his crotch, hand cupped in the overflowing crimson hue of his blood. I playfully skipped around, waving his prize around for all to see.
— Junk Sniksnak, Excerpt from Personal Log
The Spinach Inquisition takes anything of value: J-Rad's cash & weapons, liquor, and a recently-hacked Bartender Bot whose only desire is to live aboard the ASS Spinach Lover.
Markos assumes command of the Blooduster gang.
As the Spinach Inquisition departs 9,000 credits (and one severed dong) richer, a Strange Robot can be seen dancing and gyrating to a theme song in the black market area. Quentin, reuninted with his daughter Liza, takes the cats back to Trucs Bout à Bout.
Junk helps the Bartender Bot settle in to his new home, then heads down to the workshop to bronze Dwayne's severed dong.
Back aboard the ship, Theo calls Vivian Carpenter to give her the news: her brother J-Rad murdered their grandmother for a con, and J-Rad has paid for his crimes. She grimly accepts this conclusion and thanks the Inquisition for facilitating the safe return of the cats. She does not revoke the 25% discount offered earlier.
Biscuit, the skittermander that Mary Smalls had mistaken for a cat, is still aboard the ship. The Spinach Inquisition adopts the skittermander as a member of their crew and attempt to teach it the common language, but only succeed in giving Biscuit an extremely small vocabulary of three words.
